Reet, wer gannin'

'Dom'
'Aye'
'Its arl sarted, wer' gannin' tae Iverist in fower weeks'
'Champion'
'We haf tae gerra toon ermy flag,is the owt else wer' ganna need.'
'Fowk se its nippy sur we want glurvs'
'Am not wearin' glurvs like a puff'.
'Its that cauld yer fingas snap aff'
'A doot it,a can thraw snae barls for hoors wi' nae problem,am not puttin' glurvs on'.
' Why arm not neither then,am no' having the lads callin' us cissy'.

NEXT DAY

'Dom'
'Aye'
'I put me hollider sheet in an' Mr. Rafeek ses the coonsels not payin' fur me trip 'cos wer' not takkin it serious like'.He ses iverybody dees whae dissent prepare proper'.
'Bollocks arv lurked in me buk. Naeone fro' the toon has ivver deed. Naeone. Even Marcelino would mak it up the turp afta he's lived in Blakeler fer a month or sur.'

LATER THAT NIGHT

'Da ,thers a wifey on the furn fur yae'
'Whae is it?'
'A dint kna'
'Tell her am oot'
'He ses he's oot'
'Da, She ses she wants tae turk tae yae aboot Iverest.'
'For f*cks sake!Can a man not have a shite!'
'Hellur'
Mr. O'Malley?'
'Aye'
'Its Jessica Fairman from the Sun newspaper'
'Why aye'.
'We've heard a lot about your proposed trip to the summit of Everest,is it true that it is your intention to attempt the summit without oxygen and with limited protective clothing and support.'
'Eh'
'Are you going to attempt to climb to the summit without any of the correct training, or without any previous experience or advice.'
'Why like, whae needs to kna'.
'I think that our readers wil lbe interested in your story'.
'Sorry pet, a dinna tark to the press'.
'We will pay you five thousand pounds for your story'.
'Wharra boot me mate Dom'.
'We'll make the same offer to Mr. Trattle.'
'Worra boot if a tell yae bowth stories,can a get ten thoosand?'
'We would prefer to speak to you both'

TWO DAYS LATER

'Parl'
'Aye'
'The Sun rang us.Oor storys in the papper the day.'
'A kna',the rang me two minutes agan'.
'Have yae got yer ten grand?'
'Ten?!!'
'Aye'
'A only got five!'
'Sur did a am jist pullin' th' plonker'.
'Bastard'
'Ha ha'

A WEEK LATER

'Shit!Shit!..... Shhhhhh - it!'
'What the matter Parl, whae was that on the furn'
'It wis the telly pet,Channel Fower has offered to film us climmin' t' Iverist.Thav said if we have a gan wil get paid thoosands if we mak it tae base camp with nae oxygen or owt'.
'Will yae be alreet?'
'Why aye,a dint need nowt else other then a few cans an' some tebs.'
'How much ar' the givven yae?'
'Me and Dom togither wil git fowerty grand'.
'What if ya dee?'
'A dint kna'.
'Well yae can ring them back and see if a get to keep yer cash'

'Dom'
'Aye'
'Wer' gannin' on the telly'
'Give ower'
'Aye, Channel fower is ganna foller us with a camerur.'
'Nur man,a hate seein' mesel' on the telly'
'When have yae been on the telly'
'In Dixons doon the metro.'
'Thats jist a cemcorder, to shur ya how it lurks'.
'Why a dinna like it'
'The ganna pay yae twenty grand'
'Arl get used tae it'
'Reet we got arnly two and a bit weeks tae train and mak sure we dinna miss oot on the murny.'
'See yae the morn'
'Aye see yae the morn'

Are yeh nor oot?

'Alreet pet, is Dom in?'
'Nur 'is took the bairns doon the toon fer new scyul shoes'
'Is he not ganna cum tea the clurb efta?'
'Nur doot it, he''l ha nowt left afta forkin' oot for arl the bairns shoes'
'Has he gorris murbile with 'em'
'Aye , but dinna yae stert tryin' tae tempt 'im intae a seshun'
'A winnit'

'Dom'
'Aye'
'Are yae not gannin' oot the neet?'
'Nur am pink, oor lass is makin us buy the young uns scull shoes'.
'Whaffor its nearly the holidas?'
'A na but the new heed teacha maks them wear uniform or the get sent yam'.
'Why just tell them tae put tha trainies on'
'Theres nae trainies alloowed, Its sur thst poor kids winna feel left oot.'
'Why ther' arl poor roon oor end.'
'A na'
'Nae wunda the kids is gettin' fat, if the ' canna gan to scull in trainies'.
'A na'

' Guess wat, Mr. Rafeek carled us intae he's offis and telt us that the coonsel is ganna pay for haf me Ivirist trip as lang as a gan tae the papper and tell them arl the coonsel is sponsrin us.'
'Woora bout me ,like?'
'Why yea dinna work for the coonsel,ye'll hae tae get one of thee dodgy mates tae sponsur yae.'
'Why aye , they ganna want the papper sayin' owt aboot them'.
'Wharra boot your lasses work, they might fancy it?'
'Aye the' might like, the' sponsured oor lass wi a sponsured slim.'
'A didn't na she wis on a sponsured slim.'
'Why aye,shis lost a loowed o wite, shis almurst fittin' inter arl a claes noo.'Last week sh' tried on a mini skort. It was that short a could see a brickfast!Shis mad an appointment noo ta haf a belly button pierced, sur a can see we ganna haf some fun this yor when am on the nest'.
'Why look if we ganna dae this clim' we ganna haf tae sort it oot soon 'cos am not missin' my holidas or the footbarl season.'
'Arl tell that wat, on Satda aftanoon will gan and purrit on the plastic and gerrit it ower with.'
'Aye , cum on its gannin' on oor lang noo,its arnly a big hill. A dint care wat me mates sayit canna be that hard to clim' theres lasses climmed up.'
'See ya the morn'
'Aye see ya the morn'

Whit aboot a bet?

'Dom'
'Parl'
'Yae nur the Iverist thing'
'Aye'
'Me mate at work ses thes nur chance o' wor gannin' anywher' near Iverest. He ses he'll give us fify quid if wur clim anywher' near the turp,an a hunnerd quid if wer bowth clim' reet up an stick oor flag up'.
' Give ower!'
'Aye,... so I wis thinkin'.....why dint we bet arl oor mates that we can dae it. If we bet them arl a hunnerd quid we can clim up and mak money deeing it. I kna lurds o' mates an' th'll arl wanna have a chance o' takking money aff the main men,like'.
'Howeld on like, we divvent kna tha' many fowk who ar' arl ganna bet that type o' coin. Fowerteen thoosand is a canny few hunnerd quids.'
'Its anrly fowerteen isn't it?'
'Nur, thats arnly nor even a thoosand,wi ganna need lowds mair'.
'Shite then,its haird wurk tryin' to clim' a sackless moonten. Shall we jus gan tae th' Angel like wi said in th' forst place'.
'Nae way, am gannin' up Iverist, and am gannin' mesel' if yer bottlin'.
'Am nivver bottlin' ,arl race yer up and arl carry big Sandra on me back'
'Doot it, arl gan up backwards wi' big Sandras ma on me back an' tha' Debbie fro' the chip shop under me airm'
'Why aye, dinna think sur,nae body could carry hor, shis like tha' Rik Wallas big sista.'
' Aye well, ye'l l see , am gannin' into trainin' startin' the morn'.
'Off the drink ,like?'
'Nor,offf the drink,talk shite, arl drink Guiness insteed o' broon , its good for yer'.
'Maks yer shite black thur'.
'Thats alreet, a jist flush it awa' , a dinnit purrit on th' mantelpiece'.
'Aye , thers reet, see yer the morn'
'Aye see yer the morn'.

Wer' dinnit haf to pay wersel'

The lads are in the club, its Saturday afternoon aboot haf one, I mean about half one and there are six or seven of them in a round.

'Howay then Scotty git them in,am spitting feath'rs'
'Ha yeh gorra crack in th' glass?A still gorra haf pint stannin.Its ganning doon like a nuns knickers afta last neet,a was ill on tha' Magners'.
'Did ya haf owt in it?'
'Na'
'See, its ower suggary, tha needs a dubble voddy in else th'll mak thisel bad on the sugar'
'Did yae gan tae the chinkies oor the kebab hoose efta?'
'Nane,a jist went yam'
'So ye drank poofy cider arl neet and wonner why th's ill!'

'Wah hey heres Pete, there lass blecked his eye las' neet'
'Did sha?'
'Aye, it wes an accident, she hoyed a glass at him,but she wis tryin' to bust his nurs'
'Wis it a full glass, like?'
'Na, sh'd took the floo'rs oot, ha ha!'

'Alreet Pete, has the got a birra mak up on like? Th' mascaras ran on yer eye'
'Oh yer funny like, our lass nearly kilt us'
'Howzat like? What wer yae fetting fur'
'Nowt,she just come yam mortal n' hoyed stuff aboot. Shis nuts when shis bin on the broon.Anywher' leave us alarn me heeds killin', a wis drinkin' that Magners last neet and as ill'
'Whats ganning on, has ivery one turned poofy, drinking cider all neet!?'
'Nur it was free in tha' new boozer,The Sunbornt Erms'
'Is that wer' yeh wher' like Scotty?'
'Aye'
'Yer sly dogs, nae body telt us'
'Aye well yae dinna sher a cuckoo wer' th' nest is'.

A COMMITTEE MAN APPROACHES THE TABLE

'Anywern want a number on the durmino card?'
'Aye ,how much?'
'Poond'
'How merch do a win?'
'Nowt, the committee'll keep it arl, wint ya Tammy?'
'Nur we pay fotty poond oot, the rest gans to the footy clurb, or ter a lurcal charity'.
'Gan on then'

TEN MINUTES LATER

'Dom'
'Parl'
'As been thinking on,why dint we ask the committee te pay oor Iverest fare, and we can dae it fur charity'
'What charity'
'Us, ye daft hoower!'
'Nur ye canna, a kna what th' committees aboot, tha'll need us to shur them that its arl fur charity'.
'Ar' ye bottlin'?'
'Nur'
'Howay then wil ask thum'

TWO HOURS LATER

'A canna believe it,arv been a member fur sivven yer, and th'll not give us a few poond tae clim a moonten fur charity.'
'Its yer arn falt, ye shouldna mentioned yer season ticket'
'A wis arnly kiddin' thur,arl pay fur that mesel', its the sivven grand fur Iverest wer afta'
'Wil hatta fin' oor arn sponsurs,when a gan tae wurk on Monda' arl see aboot sponsurship fra' the coonsel'
'Aye , mebbes yae can sell kisses tae th' lasses in acoonts'
'Mair like tae the lads in acoonts, ha yer seen them arl, ther' dressed up to the knot end wi' afturshav' n fancy hur gels'.
'Whe cares as long as th' shell oot, Iverst here we cum!!'
'See ya the morn'
'Aye see ya the morn'.

Dinna tell oor lass

'Dom'
'Aye'
'Oor lass is gannin' af it'
'Why,like'
'Some tur rag at wurk telt a it was twenty grand tae clim Iverest,... each!'
'Give ower, twenty grand tae flee tae Neparl, gerra taxi tae the moonten an a taxi back,give ower!'
'Nur man, ye hav to shell oot for passes n that, like'
'Passes fur wat,theres nae rides oop the moonten,theres nae trips or watta park. Talk shite!'
'Am ganning doon the metro tate Tammy Cooks tae sort it oot!'

TWO HOURS LATER

'Is Parl in pet?'
'Na,he's took the bairn doon tae the X Factor ardition.'
'X Factor'
'Aye'
'Whaffor, she canna sing'
'Aye she can,ya cheeky how-wer ,an' besides she has the reet image'
'The reet image,whadya mean, the reet image?'
'Why designer gear 'n that, she's got lurds. Shill no haf owt unless its fro' the Royal Quays. Some stuffs anly got thurty pissent aff. A paid fowerty fower quid for a' xmas box an' it was arnly a pair o' troosers an' a jackit'
'Alreet ,but tell a when she's got some coin she can tak us arl to Ebeezer'
'Nae probs, shill pay for us arl,arl inclusive'.
'Tell Parl tae ring us when he gets back'

FIVE HOURS LATER

'Dom'
'Parl'
'Arv juss gettin' back. Sivven hoors in the queue. A ran oot o' cans haf way, the bairn had to gan up tae Benwell shops tae gerrus mair.Ya nar wat, two poond for fower Fosters,two poond! Am sure th' thowt it was a bairn an' ripped us off!'
'Did she get ower the ardition'
'Aye, shis in the last hundred thoosand noo'.
'Anywher' , arv been arl ower the metro trying tae gerra cheapie tae Iverest, like. Best a can manage is sivven grand apiece'
'Whyaye, ar yeh fa real ,like? Sivven grand forra plane ride an a taxi'.
'So are ye bottlin, like'.
'Nur,ar' yeh'
'Nur'
'Why dinna tell oor lass, arl hev tae scratch aboot fer sivven grand'.
'While ye scratchin',see if yer can dig oot fowerteen grand, 'cus am still skint af me last yers season ticket'.
'Bollocks,we need wor season tickets anall'.
'Am ganna haf tae gerra nother credit card oot'.
'Alreet then, we still ganning?'
'Whyaye, geordies on tour, "We are the Geordies , the Geordie moonten men, An we are mental , 'n we are mad,We are the highest fitba' supporters,the worl' has eva had'.
'Dinnit forget mind,dinna tell oor lass'
'Nor'
Nae hintin' on'
'Nor'
'Yer said that afor 'n yer telt 'er aboot gan tae 'Fur yur eyes anly'.
'A had tae, A wis stinkin' o' lasses porfume when ar got yam'
'Yer coulda mad summat up'
'A did, a telt a that yeh picked a lass up afta she fell ower mortal, n' when a helped yeh hoy 'er in a taxi a porfume rubbed on me airm'.
'Thats alreet then,a telt yer lass that some lass in the taxi queue squoited porfume on asel' 'n it blew ower on the wind'
'Yer see, noo the' both na wer' lee-ers,wer canna even gerra lie that we can bowth rememmer!'
'See ye the morn'
'Aye see ye the morn'.

Its anly snur!

'Dom'
'Aye'
'Where ye at,its haf past liven, thers got two pints stannin'.
'Are ye at the club, like?'
'Whay aye,its fillin' up, tha wants tae hurry on, 'cos theres nae seats in the bay winder alriddy'
'its oor lass man, she come in at quatter past fower full o' drink,and she reckons she wis purldancin' in Buffurlur Jurs.'
'Theres nae purl in Buffurlur Jurs, just the bull'
'A telt 'er that, but she waddent have it.Anywhur' she reckons this gadgy wis buying a shots all neet an' said she lurked like Pamela Andison!'
'Mair like Clive Andison she means!'
'Thas worra telt 'er. Anywher she wis that p*ssed she wok us up three times forra shag'.
'Did the bairns not hear yer?'
'Nur, th' stay at thur Nanas on a Frida','cos she divvent gan oot wi' 'er gammy leg'
'Are ya cummin' oot or what, thers arlsoughts ganning on in the club aboot las' neet'.
'Like what, like?'
'Arl tell ye when y shif' yer ass doon 'ere!'

TWENTY MINUTES LATER

'Hurr - ray, I thowt Stevie Wunda wis drivin' ye doon, wheres the been?'
'Nivver mind that, oor lass was still p*ssed, it wis like being in the walza at the town moor drivin' doon ower them speed ramps. A said to 'er just sla doon ter thetty, but she waddent lissen'.

' Yer just missed a treat,haf pint Harry cum in wi' his new boyfriend Nathan. Nathan eh, Nathan'
'Where d'ya gera name like Nathan,like?'
'Why he's a shirt lifta thur'
'Oh aye'
'Anywher' that young un who sells the blueys, Jimmy the Perv, their lass carled ther' bairn Brandon'
'Brandon?'
'Aye she wis from Durram'
'Good jab she wissent fra' Battle Hill oor Coogate'
'Anywher' arv bowt a buk af Amurzun forra penny, cost us fower poond powstage mind'
'What yer bowt a buk fer?'
'Its arl aboot Iverest, ye kna', tells ye arl the facts and figurs'
'Like what'
'Like sum o' them real propa climmers tak weeks tae clim up, an' a lurds gi' up 'cos ther' cauld'.
'Give ower man, last New Yers ar wurked arund arl neet wi' nae shirt an, did me nae herm what -so -ivver'.
'I thowt ye ended up in 'ospittle'.
'Aye, 'cos a gang o' lads pelted 'us wi' haf bricks, ar wassent cauld'.
'Or aye,'cos the runnin' awa' would keep yer hot'.
'Ther' wass lurds o' them'.
' Haf o' them wer' lasses'
'Ther' can still hoy bricks thur'.
' Anywher, gettin back to the moonten, a lorra them climmers have beards to keep the cauld off tha face. Shall we gra' beards like?'
Nae way, Ar might look like Graham Sooness!'
'You dinna want that then '
Na, arl get pelted wi' bricks agen'.
'Get the roond in'
'Alreet, am a gettin' just oors?'
'Aye, just get fower for us two'......

Its a canny way like..

'Dom'
'Aye'
'Ring us back, am on the bairns pay as yer gur'
'Parl'
'Alreet'
'Aye alreet'
'Arv been tarkin' tae the lads at work, like, the arl reckin Iverests canny far'.
'So wat, we said we deeing it, dinna bottle'
'Am not like, am just sayin'
'How far is it like, ye can see it from the borrom'.
'Its aboot eyeteen mile up a think but its on a slurp, so it might be twenty odd'
'Aye but the lass at work did the New Yurk marrathun thats forther an it anly took fower and a haf hoors'
'Aye , but shis bilt like a whippets stiffy! Shis anly aboot sivven sturn wet thru!'
'She wuss dressed as Garfiel' the cat thur, that musta slowed a doon?'
'Nur man,it was anly mad o' fur,an' she got chased by two durburmans for fower mile so that'll speeded a up a bit!
'Summat else as weel,the other blurks whae climb Iverest tak loads o' gear like oxygen and pots and pans an' that'
'What dae we want arl that fur,oxygen 'n pans?'
'It helps yer breathe 'cos the airs thin'
'Nae way,ar canna see hoo pans is ganna help yer and if its thinna air that'll mak it easier to wark in, if its thinna, nae resistance whitso-ivver'
'Nur man it means thers nae oxygen'
'GIVE OWER!, nae oxygen, theres nae one up there wi' yer, whaes ganna pinch it off yer!If yer ganna bottle oot just say man,an arl nivver let yer forget yer a soft shite! Look am not takking pans and arl that shite , am not ganning for a holida', am ganning to put me flag up, and if theres nancy boys warking up wi' pots n' pans am just ganna wark strite ower the top o' them. It'll tak us fower or five hoors to get up at the very murst, and after we sink a coupla cans we can stick oor flag in the snur, have a quick slash,a tab,and then hoik it back doon. We'll have nae flag to carry and its arl doon hill.
Its gotta be two hoors tops. We'll sort a lift oot back to the airport an' be yam withoot droppin' a shift'
'Sorry mate but we ganna need a few rest days like, its ower near China 'n Nepal n' that, theres nae flights from the toon'

'Warra boot Teesside?'
'Na'
'Ar y' shure? Me mate at work went to Nepal on Easyjit tatie pickin' week in Octurber las' yer.

'Na,he went ta Naples man, not Nepal'

'Alreet alreet,a thowt people would gan to China for the tak awa' curries 'n that, and ta wark on that big warl'.
'Hey mebbes we can dae that as well then, if we ganna stop a coupla days'
'When we ganna have a few pints like?,if we oot warking 'n climbin' arl day'.
'Aye true, bollocks to the warl, yer reet we can have a curry 'n a few pints nae problem'.
'Anywer am ganna gan, yer using arl me battry.'
'See yer the morn'
'Aye see yer the morn'

We ganning up that moonten! Strite up!

Last summer just afor the Interturtur started two marrahs 'Wor Dom and Parl' were doon the Toon for the three curry challenge.

The day starts at 11 bells wi' a few pints and plate o' curry wi' rice or a nan breed.

Then the lads and tha pals have a few mair jars (minimum one pint an hoor,nee cider or otha poofs drinks) and then at 6 at neet the lads have tha second curry (wi rice or nan breed o' course).'

Unless yer gay you've gotta ha' a vindaloo minimum, (or a phal if ya think ya hard.)

After the second curry the lads hit the quayside forra few mair pints, an some o' tha' absinthe an red bull to keep ya breath fresh.

Thurs nee dancing allowed but ya can tak te lasses unless y' married.

If yer married then yer just perv at them, and dinnit forget to think on your lasses mates might be watching yer.

At kicky oot time yer find a curry house thats still oppen, an' order yer last curry (wi rice or a nan breed).

Once yerv eat that yerv passed the three curry challenge and yer can gan to the Casino.

Anyway last summer Dom and Parl were ganning yam from the casino when the both started cracking on aboot putting a toon army flag on top o' the Angel o' the North.

'What aboot if we put it even higher and stuck it on the new wimblees ruf' , said Dom.

'Or on top o' the Eiffel Toowah, or on that place in Jormany where the Hollywood sign is'.

'Thats not very high, its arnly a titchy clim' up ',said Parl, 'The coppers could gan up in the ca' and tak it doon.'

'An anywer' Hollywoods not in Jormany its somewher' wher' the arl speak inglish, Benidorm or Salou or summit'

' The frogs would tak it doon from the Eiffel Toowah as weel.'

'We need a place where they cannot get to too easy'

'Cat Deeleys knickers, naebody can get there' said Dom.

'Na, its got to be out o' the way where naebody lives'

'Crawcrook!'

Nar, where naebody wants to live'

'Crawcrook!'

'What about a git high moonten!'

'I thowt it was a bit cauld up the moontens,n' slippy!'

'Dinna be a soft shite ,we can tak oor works fleecies up wi' us and a haf bottle o' jacky D'

'Gan on then lets get a git big flag wi' Toon army an Shearer on it and we'll purit on the top of a git high moonten!'

'Reet,but am not gannin the morn, am takking oor lass t' Matalan for new sheets an she wants a sarnie makker from the Argos.'

'Champion ,yer can get some o' them cheap tracky borroms to wear on the moonten ' cos am not wearin' me adidas case th' get dorty. If yer in the Argos gerra catalogue an see if thav got a cheap tent. We can tak it back wi'in ten days if wer sharp!'

'Am not kippin up a moonten mind, the footys kicking off agen soon so we ganna hav' te gan up an doon strite away, wi' just a can or two on the top while we stick oor flag up'

'Alreet theres nae time spare like, yeh gan to the club the morn and ask that brainy blowk on the door which is the biggest moonten anywer in the worl', an weel dae that 'un.'

'I naa what the biggest is, its that white un whats in the fillims,.... Iverest. Am not that thick,I took fower exams'.

Ya took remedial maths 'n inglish, 'n woodwork 'n metalwork and ya failed them a' so dinna act that ya Frank Einstein ,but Iverest it is then. Now am ganning for a slash, see ya Sunday neet in the club to sort oor travel.'

'Aye six o clock and dinna forget them trackies,and get new sannies an some footy socks to tuck in.....'

'Whee do ya think I am like, am not mad o' money, I work for the coonsel a dinna own it!'

'Aye , arl gi' ya haf man,dinna panic'

'See ya the morn'

'Aye see ya the morn'

'Is Pete oot'

'Na he's stoppin' in,their lass winna gi' him a pass oot'

'What aboot Bowman?'

'Na, ses he's meeting their lass if sh' gets a homework done.'

'Areet then just me, thoo,Gav,Hepp,big red,Brucy,Smithy, and Jonny mackem'

'See ya the morn'

Aye, see ya the morn'